The Berardi’s go to Israel

When the plane landed in Tel Aviv, like in the early days of aviation, the cabin erupted in applause and the pilot, sounding like Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo, proclaimed “was that some beautiful landing !”  And thus, our month- long journey began.

We paid $250 for the “VIP airport treatment” which meant Hannie, a cute and confident 20 year old Israeli girl, met us at the arrival gate with a name plate that read “Berardi”…an Israeli first.

Hannie whisked us through Tel Aviv airport as if we were Bono and her bar code seemed to make every door go “click”. Her nuanced nods elicited acknowledging gestures from the customs officers and within 15 minutes we were through security and deposited into a cab headed for Jerusalem.  Adios suckers!!

Jerusalem is a city where Jews, Christians, and Arabs all get along if “get along” means an occasional hip-check in a narrow alley or random rocket launch into young Irving’s bar mitzvah.  This explains the heavy military presence in the old city.  Security cameras blatantly placed on every street lamp and building relay visuals to central command who in turn pass along instructions to the boots on the ground.   There is something provocative about a sexy Israeli woman in tight fatigues sporting ammo clips, a side arm, and a lethal automatic weapon guaranteed to give Jerry Nadler hives.

Jerusalem is the Holy City and they’ve got the signs to prove it.  This arrow points to the Via Dolorosa where Jesus carried his cross.  That arrow takes you to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where Jesus was crucified and down the road and to the right, is where Pilot washed his hands and sealed his fate.  Up this hill brings you to the place of the last Supper and across that street is the Western Wall.  A few blocks away is King David’s tomb and by the size of it, the king was a portly fellow.

I asked a righteous Jew at the Wall, “what is it that you pray for”?  He said he prays for peace amongst arabs and jews, health and happiness for his family, and wisdom for world leaders.  I asked him if it helps and he replied “its like talking to a wall”.

In Jerusalem, there are 14 stations of the cross as opposed to the 12 we worship in the Roman Catholic faith.  The 2 additional are where Jesus stumbled carrying his cross to the crucifixion.  It’s just a hunch, but at the time, I suppose the Pope probably felt these were assumed and superfluous, but a war was fought, a crusade was launched, and the two additional stations remain today.  It’s good for business.

And then there is the Temple Mount, the holiest site in Judaism, and the mother of all Temples.

For the Jewish people, this is where God created Adam and it is where David brought the Ark of the Covenant. It is where a place exists for only the Holy of Holies to enter and it is where such Holies can feel God’s presence.  It is where the third and final temple will be built when the Messiah comes.  And you thought your house was a big deal!

For the Muslim people, the Mount is considered the Third holiest site in Islam (Mecca and Medina being the other two….Wall Street whispers indicate Steve Wynn is working on a fourth).  This is the place where the prophet Muhammed ascended into Heaven. 

For Christians, I need several pages and footnotes to explain the importance of the Temple, but in a nutshell, its’ where Jesus overturned the tables of the money changers, where he was circumcised (enough said), and most importantly, where he had his Bar Mitzvah.  We believe this is the case because archaeologists reconstructed some papyrus remnants that read “Dear Yeshua:..something, something, You are a man now…  Love Uncle Max and Aunt Bubbie”

The food in Jerusalem is amazing and delicious (as it is throughout Israel).  The fruits and vegetables are the freshest I have ever eaten.  If you like hummus, you’ll order a bowl of the stuff and plunge your face into it like a famished Rottweiler….trust me on this.

Jerusalem is a hybrid between modern and ancient all preserved for the benefit of humanity.  Sort of like your grandmother’s house right before it’s sold to a millennial couple who need 3 bedrooms so that the 2 dogs and cat can each have their own room.  The tourist, however, must remember that the city of Jerusalem was completely destroyed, not once, but twice.  So, the only thing that is 100% factual is that none of the things that happened, happened in the place they say it happened.  Capische?

Tree planting is an ancient Jewish tradition and Israel is covered with them.  Upon driving to our next destination of Haifa, we saw so many forests that we thought we were in Northern California, the Canadian Rockies, or Universal’s Jurassic Park.  Over the last 50 years, more than 260 million trees have been planted in Israel and yet, I had no need for my fluticasone spray.

The highways are new and well paved and while traffic moves briskly, I predict a future lane shortage problem not unlike Fort Lauderdale during the season.

Haifa is a port city built on the slopes of Mount Carmel.  It is Israel’s third largest city and by most western standards, contains numerous electrical and plumbing code violations. Nonetheless, between its busy port, highly respected University, the world’s oldest research park, and an emerging natural gas industry, Haifa is an economic hub for Israel.

Haifa also boasts one of the most impressive views of any city once you get to the tippy top of Mount Carmel.  The views are panoramic and breathtaking.  It’s because of these views that parking is difficult.  We circled three times looking for a spot when our exasperated Israeli guide said, “okay, you Catholics need to start praying or else we will need to move on”.  And thus, he started us off by reciting “Hail Mary, full of Grace…” and precisely at the time we said Amen in unison, a spot opened up.  He turned to us and said “See”.

After Haifa, we headed towards Caesaria.

Caesaria is an affluent town in northern Israel and has easy access to the royal blue waters of the Mediterranean.  The ancient city was built by King Herod the Great between 25-13 BC as a major port to impress his Roman masters.  While he was at it, he built himself a magnificent summer dwelling overlooking the sea and stocked it with slaves, concubines, booze, and sycophants.  The impressive vomitorium remains today and tells of the debauchery that took place here.  Think Caesar’s in Las Vegas at 1:00 a.m. on a Saturday night.

Today, there is a golf country club where the chariots would have made their way to the town’s gates.  The ruins are somewhat intact and rival some of the finest in antiquity.  With a dose of imagination, you can close your eyes, and against the calmness of the lapping sea waves, hear the moans, groans, and boking.  Judea was an important and wealthy province of the Roman Empire and Caesaria was it’s playground for the visiting VIP’s.  2,000 years later, while the locations have changed, the behaviors remain.

Our next excursions were to Jaffa, Tel Aviv, and Ein Hod.

Tel Aviv is a hot ticket and everyone wants in. It sits neatly on the shores of the Mediterranean and luxury high rise apartment buildings are popping up everywhere.  Can you say Miami-East?  T-A is a bustling hub of young people creating music, art, and surfing.  During the day, they escort their wealthy American parents around town showing them how their money is being spent.  Moms and Dads feel hip and progressive.  At night, the kiddies rush into the dozens of nightclubs and get crazy wasted on all sorts of new and exciting designer drugs.

Tel Aviv wants to be this.  It wants to be a modern, progressive city, with no hang-ups, no presumptions, and no pre-judgements.  Jerusalem grounds Israel but Tel Aviv is what revs the engine.  There are amazing markets and street food throughout Tel Aviv and if you enjoy people watching, you will be in heaven.  It is dirty, however, and be prepared to be badgered by homeless and strung -out kids who didn’t read the Keith Richards manual on how to party responsibly. 

Our guide made a point of noting how Tel Aviv embraces Christian messages and symbols.  In the square is a massive mural of Mother Mary embracing the children of the city and Christ’s message of peace and love is what Tel Aviv chooses to amplify.  The themes of baptism and rebirth abound throughout. I dubbed it the “What’s So Funny About Peace, Love, and Understanding” City.  However, there should be a sign at the city’s gate warning those over 40 to enter at their own risk.  It is a must visit, especially for cheap and delicious food and great bargain shopping, but we preferred Jerusalem much more than Tel Aviv.

A real highlight of the trip was Ein Hod.

Ein Hod is an honest to goodness artist’s colony that lies at the foot of Mount Carmel, not too far from Haifa.  The artists here sell to the artists in Tel Aviv and one gets a sense that this is what the hippy movement of the 1960’s really wanted to create.  Ein Hod is a compact village with winding streets and magnificent vistas where visitors can meander in and out of all sorts of art galleries staged within the artist’s ancient stone and mason residences.  It reminded us of something you would see in Monterey, Lake Tahoe, or Santa Fe.  There was nothing pretentious or commercial about the place.  Just artists making genuine art and enjoying the meager fruits of their labor in a Garden of Eden setting.  To boot, we had excellent lunch and some great coffee.  If we ever visit again, we might seek out lodging here to experience the little village more fully. 

During our last evening in Jerusalem, we checked the pedometer on my phone and clocked in a little more than 60 walking miles and yet there was so much we hadn’t seen.  Bethlehem, the Sea of Galilee, the Dead Sea, Masada, etc.

In the cab ride back to Tel Aviv airport, with a tinge of longing, we said goodbye to Jerusalem.

At the airport, the customs officer smiled gently at Susan. With me, he studied my passport and then asked “is Berardi an Italian name”?  I said “yes”.  He then asked, “was it shortened”?  I exclaimed “how did you know that”.  He looked right past me and stamped the page and we were off to Istanbul.  

That was some beautiful tour!!