I volunteered to be a Poll Worker for the Palm Beach County Supervisor of Elections.
Ours is an electoral history enriched by colorful events such as hanging chads, malfunctioning tabulation machines, and all-night recounts reminiscent of an illicit Mafiosi craps game. And this past week I jumped into that kooky, chaotic, maelstrom that is often times the Palm Beach County election process.
Me, and 15 old ladies.
I received the notification that my training class time was 9:30am, August 8. Upon arrival the people at the front desk huddled and bickered and came to a consensus that my assigned class actually commenced at 9am (the recount had already begun). Not to worry though, as the class started late and I only missed the tutorial on how to properly wear a facemask. NB: I was the only one wearing a 3-ply bluey…everyone else wore home- spun handkerchiefs fashioned with tropical themes or cartoon images of pussycats and puppies.
I mentioned to the trainers that I was interested in the “hallway monitor” job whereby I get to sit on an aluminum chair in the hallway with a cup of coffee, directing voters to the toilets and doing some serious, South Florida, bird watching. Turns out you need to know someone for that job. Instead, I would be training for, via a 112 page training manual, the role of “Inspector” and would learn how to: process voters using the “EVID” (electronic voter id system), set up and interface with the DS200 vote tabulation machine, close down and secure election day results, process and assist disabled voters, and sanitize voting machines and surfaces.
Training was a 5 hour affair and lunch was served via the vending machines in the supply room.
Below are some fascinating observations from my day long tutorial:
- Palm Beach County utilizes state of the art, very expensive, internet-enabled tabulation systems designed by Southeast Asian millennials and commandeered by South Florida geriatrics.
- To transport and store important election day papers and records each polling station will be issued a brand new “Accordian File”. The Accordian File is spoken about with the same reverence as the “Holy Hand Grenade” from the Monty Python film. With outstretched arms, the trainer proudly displayed the actual Accordian File that would be assigned to our polling station. It still had the price tag sticky from Office Depot and that new Accordian File smell.
- We were all deputized by the Sheriff who sported a large gold crucifix around his neck. It struck me as odd because he did not have a last name ending in a vowel and he certainly did not have a Staten Island accent. The good Sheriff did, however, make it unmistakably clear that he was Andy Griffith and the rest of us were Barney Fife.
- Attire is business casual. No shorts, t-shirts or flip-flops. More Dillards and less Tommy Bahama. Face masks are mandatory for poll workers but optional for voters…however, we must gently encourage those without to help themselves to our vast supply of PPE.
- There will be no harbor for those flouting social distancing requirements and, as Deputy, I believe (but need to confirm) I have the authority to use a Louisville Slugger on anyone not standing on the little feet cut-outs provided for convenience. I hope I’m not tested.
- The Supervisor of Elections runs an impressive operation and the site sits on even more impressive real estate. While I cannot be certain, I am guessing they will be moving offices within the next 2-3 years.
I have every intention of discharging my civic duties in a responsible and patriotic manner. Even though my Deputy status expires after this month’s primary, I am hopeful the higher ups will notice something special in me and offer the coveted Hallway Monitor job in November’s Presidential election.
Great writing!